Posted by: braddenvillage | January 23, 2012

January 2012 Funnies – Thanks to the Readers Digest

READERS DIGEST FUNNIES

 

While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.

“Excuse me,” I said, approaching a clerk. “I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes.”

Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, “Take your pick.”

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During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.”

Her friend nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough.”

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I’d been secretly dating for several months, and it was time to break the news to my very protective father. My mother thought he’d take it better if she explained to him that my boyfriend was a Marine who had just returned from Iraq. This pleased Dad immensely.

“A Marine? Good!” he said. “That means he can take orders.”

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The day I knew my in-laws had finally accepted me:

As we pulled into their driveway, my father-in-law was on the phone. “Oh, I have to run,” he told the person on the other end. “My daughter-in-law and her husband just arrived.”

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I finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea for her to learn to text. Her first message to me? “Whereisthespacebar?”

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After an enthusiastic recommendation from my wife, I began listening to the audiobook version of Frank McCourt’s  Teacher Man.

“I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed,” I complained. “He refers to characters I don’t know and introduces them a half hour later.”

My wife was as confused as I was, but I soldiered on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn’t until the end of the book that my dilemma was explained—I had set the iPod to Shuffle.

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“I’ll miss you, Great-Grandma,” wrote my mother’s great-grandson in an e-mail he sent before shipping out to Iraq.

“I’ll miss you too, dear,” she responded. “Stay safe. LOL, Great-Grandma.”

Poor Mom didn’t realize that LOL doesn’t stand for “lots of love.”

——————————————————

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge.

“No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”


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