Posted by: braddenvillage | September 9, 2012

Funny Stories – Life’s like that!

Life’s like that…

I finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea for her to learn to text. Her first message to me? “Whereisthespacebar?”

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My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click “Like”.

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Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated?
Friend: Well, that’s not exactly what he said, now, was it?
Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Girl: Same thing.

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Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn’t know soda was baked.
Girl #2: Thank God it’s not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!

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A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”

The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

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For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. “What’s this?” he asked.

“Guess,” I said coyly.

“I have no idea,” he said. “It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster’s cage.”

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I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

“Things haven’t changed that much,” she said. “Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t.”

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Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”


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